009 | Beating self-doubt
Updated: Jul 15, 2020
Hey, hey, hey humans. Welcome to episode 009 of Souls Undressed. I am your host, Tori Rankovich. Today's episode is diving into self-doubt + how we can work to beat it instead of letting it own us + crap on all of our plans + ideas we might have.
When I say, "self-doubt," I mean the thoughts in your head, the voices in your mind, the inhibition or the act of withholding yourself from ideas, dreams, things that you feel called to or that you feel interested in, but that you deprive yourself from pursuing, chasing, following through on because of your own fears of failure or not being good enough or disappointing yourself or someone else.
Self-doubt can look super, super different from person-to-person, from life-to-life. I am excited to talk about it as a whole + talk on the ways that my experiences taught me to work through self-doubt + beat it out so that I could be in control of my actions + not my fears. I also am super excited to talk on it because I think that there are so many things that we as individuals feel called to do or pulled to do because we have a special gift that the other people around us don't have access to. Whether it be the way we make people feel, or our work ethic, or the genius ideas that we have, right? We all have a skill-set + we all have something to offer to the world + to our people, but I fear that a lot of us go through life sitting in the backseat instead of following our ideas or our dreams because it feels "safer" and more secure to kind of hang back + be an observer of life, rather than someone who is leading the way through.
We're going to dive into questions to ask yourself when you feel self-doubt setting in, some self-evaluation things you can do to understand yourself + your fears better + then some extra tips + things to remember when you do struggle with self-doubt because I am here to tell you that if you feel called + pulled to do something, there's a reason for it. It is not just because you're a copy-cat, it's not because you're unoriginal, it's not because
you're silly + you're the only person who thinks what you have to say is important. If you feel called or pulled to do something, it's because you have either
a. A population of people around you who need to hear your words in the way that you say them
b. You need that in your life. Whether you're missing something, whether you are feeling so driven towards something, but you're just kind of missing that middle step.
Our own intuition is a powerful, powerful beast if we let it be + it is usually powerful for the better because the intuition is that voice in us that knows our deepest desires, that knows our past experiences + the things that are going to serve us best or not serve us. I encourage you, after listening to this episode, to try to connect with yourself a bit better. Try to understand your desires + the things that are holding you back + maybe then you'll be able to conquer some of those doubts on your own + feel more successful + empowered + be able to impact more people around you.
Before we dive into everything, I'm going to get started with today's quote. This is a quote that is on my 2020 vision board + I reference it a lot. You're going to find out why in this episode, but I use it to keep me on track with myself + the things that I have a desire to share because self-doubt, whether I like it or not, tries to steal the driver's seat from me pretty often. So, without further ado, here's our quote for today:
"You don't need to be wise to have an impact on the world. Just share what you're learning, as you're learning it. That's more than enough." -Sam Brown
I chose that quote for today because in my life, in my experiences, at least, when I feel doubtful of my own capabilities or my own ideas, usually that doubt is driven by a fear of not knowing enough or not being as perfectly educated on a topic as I could be. I hold myself back from pursuing things most often when I feel that or I fear that I have a lesser chance of being successful at that or that I have a chance of being less effective if I talk on something before I feel more in mastery of it.
Let's go ahead + dive right into today's episode.
Alright, alright. Let's talk about self-doubt. What is it? How can we move ourselves through it? How can we conquer it in a way that makes us feel empowered or help the people that we love move through it in a way that makes them feel empowered?
Self-doubt in my life is when I have something to say or that I know that there is an idea that I have that is going to serve someone in some powerful way, but the voice of my self-doubt is louder than the excited voice that I have inside to share that. That comes into play in my life in so many different ways. I think especially because I feel so driven to interact with the community + to serve the people who I value + who value my brand. For me, it has been an interesting battle between the part of me who really wants to serve + the part of me that is like a scared little girl.
I think that when we consider the doubt + our excitement as those two different voices, this louder voice saying, "I can't do it," + this inner voice saying, "I want to do it," or "I can do it," or "I need to do it." Things that I encourage you to ask yourself as soon as you hear that self-doubt creeping in, whether you just had the idea to start a podcast, like myself, or you can feel it in your heart that you really are feeling pulled to leave a job that isn't serving you anymore because you found another passion that can serve you, whether it is to reach out to the person that you like or to end something that is no longer serving you, the doubt creeps in in a variety of different areas of our lives, but the true challenge is learning to hear which voice is the voice of doubt + which voice is that voice of reason, that voice of excitement that lives within you already.
So, first question: who's voice is the doubt rolling in as?
I ask you this because someone asked me this once + it was ground-breaking for me. When you think about the voice in your head that is like, "No, you can't do that. No, you're not good enough. Heck no you cannot start a podcast, who is going to listen to you? You live in a town of 6,000 people, what do you have to talk about?" I want you to ask yourself who's voice that sounds like. That's for you to figure out and decipher for yourself, I'm not going to dive into any of who I think it may be here, but I've learned that that voice sounds different from area-to-area of my life or category-to-category. When it came time to feeling like I should leave my job of teaching, my self-doubt sounded a lot like my dad's voice. The fear of, "What are you going to do next?" The apprehension of leaving something that's sure, for something that is not sure. My self-doubt when it came time to launch my podcast, really just sounded like my own voice mixed with the voices of people who I fear would not enjoy what I am putting out or who would talk down on the ideas that I have or the things that I am taking my time to put my heart into to put out to you. The main purpose of asking yourself who's voice it sounds like, is so that you can identify where the doubt is coming from.
Doubts + fears aren't a bad thing if we choose to acknowledge them, learn from them + sit with them. They are a bad thing when we allow them to run our lives. That's because if something is causing fear in your life + you're making a fear-based choice, you're not making a choice that is going to serve you best. You're making a choice that is rooted out of a past experience or past decision that's no longer even potentially with you at this point, but it's still deeply rooted enough in your fears that is creating this opinion or this choice for you that is not really true to who you are in this current time.
You cannot live your life for someone else, ever. Not your parents, not your loved one, not your boyfriend, not your best friend, not your teacher, no one. You have to live your life for you. I say that because obviously, yes, we can do things to try to impress people or to try to make people proud, but at the end of the day, if that person doesn't have the head space to show you the pride that you were looking for, you're going to feel like you wasted your time + energy. Really, if you would have approached the situation for yourself, you're the only person that you have to focus on making proud.
If you can consider your mission or what you're feeling drawn to, or what's speaking to your heart, think about after you've completed that, will you feel proud? Will you feel good for tackling something that you wanted? I think if we can ask ourselves who's voice that sounds like, we can consider whether or not that person of that voice or that population that voice is representing, if they're really the purpose of why we're doing what we're doing anyway...
I'm going to relate this to something in business in hopes to make that make more sense. In businesses + entrepreneurship, you have what you call an "ideal" client. Your ideal client is essentially who you're speaking to, who your product is made for, who your service is made for. Your idea client is important as far as business goes because if you try to serve every type of potential client that there is, you will make yourself crazy + chances are, you're not going to connect with your ideal client because you're putting too much separate energy into all these different boats + not all of these boats are even going to invest in what you're giving + what you're providing. Think about your ideal client when it comes to your ideas + your desires + the passions that you feel pulled toward. If your voice in your head sounds like your dad's or your mom's + it is telling you that you can't do this or you need this insurance or assurance before you can make this move, I want you to consider:
a. Realize that they're looking out for what they think is your best interest,
b. I want you to consider if your mom + dad are your ideal clients
because if they're not, chances are your product or service, is not going to make sense to them. Your passion, isn't going to be something that is up their ally because they are not your ideal client. When it came time to build this podcast, do you think that my dad thought it was a cool idea? He was like, "Who are you talking to? What are you gonna talk about?" It wasn't that he thought it was a terrible idea or that he didn't support me, it was just that it didn't really make any sense to him. The only podcast my dad listens to is live Cubs broadcasting so he can listen to the broadcasters talk about the game.
So, I needed to take a step back, instead of being offended or bothered or disheartened by the fact that my dad didn't think that there was anything super magical about the fact that I wanted to start a podcast, I needed to recognize that the reason that I felt drawn to start a podcast was because of the community I was building on social media + online already. It was clear to me through my own struggles + through the stories I was listening to from people like you that there was a need. There is a need to have conversations that we aren't talking about, to start dialogue on topics that are so often shoved to the side. Yes, sure, to my dad who is pushing 60, Souls Undressed Podcast wasn't this crazy relevant topic for him, but for those of you who connect + are waiting for this podcast every week, I think you would agree that this podcast has relevance + it does have importance + that the topics that are coming up here are very relevant + very important for us to grow from.
I am going to let you in on a little secret. I got a message last week after last week's episode from someone telling me that my podcast episode had led them to finding a therapist. I have goosebumps all over my body telling you that, I was not expecting that to happen, but my point in telling you that is my heart + soul + mind could feel that there was a need for this podcast, that there was a purpose that this platform + these topics could serve. If I had listened to the doubt in my mind, that said, "Who the hell do you think you are starting a podcast? Who the heck is going to want to listen to you talk?" then those people who have been impacted by this podcast, would have never been able to benefit from it. I am telling you, consider who's voice the self-doubt sounds like because it is going to help you decipher where the fear + doubt is coming from in your brain + just like in the grief episode that I was talking about previously, we cannot tackle something until we face it head on. We have to be able to acknowledge our fears + the inhibitions that are holding us back in order to be able to conquer something new or chase something + pursue it with the fullest extent of our heart space.
I also want you to think about, + I got into this when I was talking about why I finally started the podcast, but I want you to ask yourself, too, "Can what you have to say or what you have to offer improve or change someone's life?" I mean it. I want you to ask yourself that because so often our fears + our doubts hold us back, but I think that if we stopped for just a few minutes + considered, can what I have to say change someone's life? Can my conversations about grief, about body positivity, about racial injustice, about depression, can those topics positively influence someone's mind to better love themselves, care for themselves, care for the people in their lives who they wish they could help, but can't because they don't know how or don't have an understanding? Hell yes, that can change their lives! I bet that if there are passions that you are feeling called to in your heart, there are people who's lives could be changed by what you have to offer, too.
If something like that doesn't come to mind, sit with your passion a little bit longer + think about your "why". Why is it that you feel pulled to do what you want to do + what you want to serve to people? I feel like that could be beneficial to you.
I also want you to remember + this goes right back to the podcast example, your message, your service, your product, your ideas, are not meant, ever, to serve everyone. When I talk about your ideal client, or the person who can most benefit from what you have to offer, they are not everyone. We aren't Walmart, we don't want to be Walmart. You have a specialized skill, a unique set of characteristics and heart space that allows you to help someone or create something in a way that nobody else does it. That's not Walmart. You are not here for everyone. This podcast is not meant for everyone. There are people who would be so triggered angrily, emotionally, physically by listening to this podcast, but there are other people who are struggling silently in their own quiet corners of their bedrooms, all alone, with no one to reflect with, no one to hear talking about the topics that are relevant for them. That's who this podcast is for. Those are the people who my voice is meant to find, but if I am set on everyone needing to benefit from what I have to offer, I am never going to connect with my clients. I'm never going to connect with my audience. I am never going to connect to the souls who need to hear what I have to say because I am going to be so damn worried about reaching everyone, that I am not going to have any direction to reach the people who I actually could connect with.
So regardless of what it is your self-doubt is holding you back from, think about the fact that your choices aren't meant to serve everyone. Maybe your self-doubt is about something that you want to do for yourself. I need you to recognize that choices for yourself, are for you. Not for everyone else. So, if you feel pulled to do something in your heart + it doesn't seem like what your mom thinks is best, your mom is not the one going. That's not to say shut her out + don't have a conversation with her about it, usually your mom knows you better than a lot of people in life, but that means don't shut out your own opinions + your own self-awareness + what you know about your own choices + your own desires because if you remove yourself from the driver's seat there, you're going to stop pursing things that fill your heart + that's the quickest way to get burnt out on anything.
I want to talk about the ways that self-doubt has hit me in my life + I want to talk about these things because:
a. I think that sometimes we don't realize when our own doubts are holding us back
b.I think that for you to hear the things that i've done or maybe haven't done or almost have not done in my life because of my own fears, it could show you how different life could be if I followed those fears
because again, this podcast is one of those things. If I hadn't listened to my gut when the voice got so loud in my head that said to make this podcast, we wouldn't be sitting here. You wouldn't be tuning in, you wouldn't have listened to potentially 9 episodes that are thought-provoking that help you think about things that are relevant + unspoken of in our lives, but I also wouldn't have connected with so many humans that I've connected with here.
I am going to let you in on another secret. I considered podcasting for the first time 3 or 4 years ago. I didn't even move out of my dad's house before I could feel that I had this calling to talk out loud + allow my voice to be heard so that people could reflect with me. Self-doubt also used to affect my relationships. When you think out of fear, you think from a place of doubt. When you have had past experiences that maybe didn't go the best, or you've been hurt, you start to think + lead with this doubtful mindset everywhere you go, whether it is going to serve you or not. That's the most important part of that I think, is to think about whether or not, is this doubt serving me? 99.9% of the time that doubt is not going to be serving you. You need to be able to set fear aside + make a choice for right now because right now is where you are, not in the past, not in the future. Allow yourself to really benefit from brainstorming, reflecting + empowering yourself through what you are, right now, instead of what you aren't or what you used to be.
I would also say that self-doubt has hindered me from heeling. I was saying earlier that I fall victim to self-doubt whenever I feel like I can't accomplish something in full. So when things get very overwhelming for me, I catch myself almost shutting down from trying to solve the problem because my mind is like, "We're never going to survive this, I'm going to go crazy, I might as well just cry all day anyway," I am emotional so I might as well just shut down. It becomes this huge funnel of negative self-talk + it is all stemming from fear of not being good enough or not being successful at what it is that we're going after. When I start doubting my emotional strength, it holds me back from healing.
Now, we're going to move on to some tips. I am going to include my tips with the, "How Can I Help?" segment because these things can kind of be spun in from both ends. I can pull in on my front from the person who is experiencing the doubt, but then also these things can be beneficial for those of you who love humans who are experiencing their own self-doubt.
I want you first to focus on your support system. I think often that self-doubt sets in when we aren't feeling good enough or worthy of a potential outcome or what needs to go into getting something done. When you have your support system available to you + you know who they are, they are the perfect people to provide you with that little push, just a small little nudge that says, "Hey, you know you got this. You're good enough, you've been practicing, just get on with yo bad self + get it done." I think that the biggest caveat to include here is that if you feel like you don't have a support system, I want you to find your community. Create community with yourself. Hop in the comments or on the Facebook wall of these pages + talk with us, talk with me, talk with other listeners. Hop in my DM's + say, "Hey, I really connected with this topic + I don't have anybody to talk about it with, can we brainstorm?" I am going to say, "Hell yeah, let's go!" You have to ask yourself, what kind of people want to see me succeed + what people don't? I am not going to open up to people who do not give a crap about my success. That's literally just pulling energy out of me without any thought.
I also want you to stop + think again about those questions I was asking earlier. If you're someone who is listening + wants to help someone you know who struggles with doubt a lot, ask them, "Who does the voice sound like? When you really listen to the self-doubt + the thoughts in your head, who's voice is it?" Some people really have a hard time nailing that down, but often times, you can tell exactly who's voice it is by how it sounds. Whether it is the mannerisms, or the tone, or the aggression in the voice, you can almost always tell where your brain is kind of pulling these false thoughts about yourself from.
I also want you to have a circle of humans who you can brainstorm with when you have ideas that you are doubting. I say that because for example, when I thought about the podcast, had I not known who my circle was, of creative friends who wanted to see me succeed + loved seeing me push myself, I may not have ever had the push to actually start the podcast. When you intentionally choose the circle of people that you want to open up to + you want to bounce ideas off of, you are automatically setting yourself up to come out clear-minded. If you do not intentionally create that group of people or do not intentionally choose who it is you're going to open up to, you're setting yourself up for potential failure because you have to realize that not everyone is listening + regurgitating your ideas back to you. I think the most detrimental thing we can do to ourselves when we are already experiencing self-doubt, is to avoid bouncing those ideas off of other people for some confidence. I'm talking about my business team. I have a few different assistants + they help me with a variety of different topics + areas of my business, but if I have a new idea, I'm sending it to each of them.
a. They all have different perspectives on the world.
b. They value my business, my ideas + me.
c. They are my ideal clients. They have the personalities, the soul, the heart that I look for in my ideal clients.
When I can bounce ideas off of them that allows me to have confidence in the choices that I was already thinking of making, but wasn't confident enough to take the leap on. I really want to underline this last point a bazillion times before we sign off that you have to choose those people intentionally.
This comes in to any area of your life when you're looking to vent or gain feedback or converse about a topic. If you don't intentionally choose the people that you're opening up to about a topic, you are honestly just being like, "Yep, I couldn't care less about how I feel after this conversation. I don't care if I feel great or pissy or feel like shit, I just need to talk." Chances are that's not accurate, most times when we talk it is because we're looking to relieve a feeling or we're looking to gain a more comfortable feeling. If you're not going to choose the people, your support system, your circle intentionally, you're going to attach negative energy to your business or your ideas of whatever they are. I say this because I have plenty of times called the wrong people in my life + been like, "Hey, I'm really feeling this, what do you think?" Then, they're like, "Why the hell would you do that?" Well, for somebody who doesn't understand my creative desires, for somebody who doesn't understand the way that my business goes, or things like that, they're going to be like. "Why? What does this mean?" but if I have a circle of people who productively value what I am working on or the bigger picture of what I am working on, they're more likely to be bought into what I am talking about + what I am looking for that feedback on + they are way more likely to give me valuable thoughts in response.
I hope so so much that this episode today could encourage + motivate you from the exact point that you are right now. I think that so often we limit ourselves + we cut ourselves off from these great opportunities + these passions that we've had since we were little, or these brilliant ideas that pop in our mid-late 20's, mid-late 30's, mid-late 40's that we're like, "Oh, it's too late, I can't do that," because that's horse shit. It's such bologna. Don't doubt yourself into stillness + to silence. Allow yourself to be empowered. Allow yourself to feel like a badass. You are. If you can go back through this episode, listen a second time, take notes, I promise you will come out feeling more in control of the doubts that rule your mind. Before you know it, you never know, you might catch yourself feeling like you're afraid of something, but then the excited voice in your head overrides it like, "Hell yeah, we're doing it," because we can conquer this, because I know that we don't have to doubt ourselves, that we got this.
Thank you so much for tuning in today. I really cannot wait to hear your thoughts on The Souls Undressed Podcast Community Facebook Page +