012 | Taking control of your power

Updated: Sep 4, 2020

Intro:

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to Souls Undressed. You're listening to episode 012 + I'm your host, Tori Rankovich. Today, we are diving into the topic of taking your own power back + kind of learning to become self-aware + take control of your own personal power + your own intrinsic motivation + really just where your focus is lying whenever you realize that you aren't really as in control of your mindset + your energy as maybe you thought you were or that you hoped you would be.


So, after I read you today's quote, we are going to totally dive right into recognizing when you're not so in control of your feelings + your power + we're going to talk about how to notice when you are talking to or about yourself in a negative way that can kind of act as your "banner" or message that says, "Hey, I'm probably losing control of myself right now."


Noticing ways to check that self-talk + recognizing the ways that you work those self-checks into your day-to-day life + do it in a way that is natural + authentic + isn't trying to add in this extra activity or checks-and-balances that won't come natural to you.


We're also going to review ways to recognize how + when your own perception of other people is being skewed, so another way to put that is when you're taking offense to things that other people are doing that maybe naturally you wouldn't take offense to or that wouldn't impact you in such a way. Then, we are going to end it with ways to reel it back in + take control over your power + realize, okay, this may have happened, I may have fallen off the wagon a little bit, but now I am going to take control back into my own hands + work through these different ways to move myself back to where I want to be.


So, without further ado, let's dive into today's quote by Ellie Michelle:


"There's a freedom that comes from discipline. Have you been making time for yourself each day? Have you been meditating? Writing? Yoga-ing? Breathing? Spending time outside? Skipping self-care is like driving a car without gas. You're worth this time."


And I chose this quote by Ellie Michelle because I've noticed that whenever I begin to lose control over myself or my thoughts or my impulses, that usually I'm depriving myself of self-care in some way or another. I decided to record this episode right now because I think that so many of us are trying to hit the ground running with finding our old or new norm. A lot of us are trying to juggle the mental struggle of being excited that our country is acting like things are normal, but also being terrified that cases numbers are changing constantly + we don't know whether to be afraid or not afraid. I think, too, that a lot of us are watching a world start to go on as normal again, while still recognizing that it's not safe for everyone for us to go on as normal again. So, I think that while this episode can serve so many people at so many different times, specific to them, I'm hoping that right now as a collective, this message can be helpful for each of us as a way to find that awareness again + come back into our own power.


So, without further ado, let's get started with episode 012.


Taking control of your power:

Alright, alright. So, thank you again for being here! Thank you for tuning in each week + searching for whatever it is that your heart + soul feel drawn to in my podcast each week. Today, I just want us to dive right into this topic. I think that when it comes to taking control of our own power + recognizing that we are ultimately in control at all times of our mindset, of our headspace, of the feelings + energy that we choose to pick up each day, thinking on those things can really help us put ourselves back in the driver's seat + often times help navigate away from feeling like life is happening to us + instead more like we are choosing our day-to-day lives.


So, up first, talking about recognizing when you are not in control of your feelings, I thought it would be helpful to note some of the things that I notice about myself, the ways that losing control kind of manifests itself physically in my life. I've noticed that when I am starting to lose my grip of control or awareness or feeling like i'm not on top of my game, I am usually calling, texting and FaceTiming as many of my friends or my support system as I possibly can. In the past, this looked like calling my mom multiple times a day. Since I have been trying to be more intentional with my time + my energy + who I am choosing to lean on. I am trying to be more aware of where my mind is going to + who my mind is going to, so instead of me just calling everyone right away so that I can avoid feeling alone, or feeling out of control, I try to pay attention to who it is that my mind is steering toward + trying to sit with what it is that that person brings me in my life. Whether it be peace of mind, whether it be somebody who just hears what I have to say + doesn't try to fix it. Whether it is somebody who is more likely to agree with what I am saying, so I am really just looking for a sense of belonging. Or really, whether I just feel alone + lonely. For me, the more I pay attention to those feelings of loneliness, the more times I am able to recognize what it is that leads me towards feeling lonely. Usually, a sense of loneliness just comes from where a peace of mind is because if you think about it, sometimes we're totally fine sitting alone + that makes us feel empowered + other times, feeling alone + sitting by ourselves feels absolutely gut-wrenching + it feels like the most terrible choice on earth. I try to pay attention to who + what it is that I am longing for, that I am reaching for.


I also noticed that for myself, I smoke way more often. I've noticed that I do this for the same reason that I reach for my phone to call someone. I am usually trying to avoid or numb a feeling of some sort, whether that feeling is loneliness or whether that feeling is overwhelmingness or my mind is racing + I am not really sure which thought to grab onto first. I think it can manifest itself differently for a variety of people. When we think about what it is that we are trying to avoid, I think that can help us trying to learn more about what it is that we're dealing with. I also recognize that I am losing control of myself or my thoughts direction when I disassociate, which for me, one way that I notice when I am disassociating or disconnecting to the reality of things that I am dealing with, I will sit on my couch or lay on the floor + I'll just scroll on my phone for hours. I'm sure that a lot of us can relate to just zoning out + totally getting lost in an internet hole + ending up on some random persons' Instagram that you totally did not intend to end up on. That's one way that when I do that I am noticing that I am avoiding reality of some sort, whether it be what I need to get done or what thoughts are on my mind or what emotions I am trying to escape.


Whether or not you're somebody who's listening in + you're trying to acknowledge the ways that you lose control over your thought process or your listening in for ways to kind of take control of your own thoughts or own feelings, I think that the first step of being aware + recognize the ways that you're deflecting or moving away from your issues is the first step for me. The next thing that I wanted to focus on, is noticing how you're talking to yourself + how you are talking about yourself to other people. This is one of the second big red flags for me that I am struggling, that I am giving into my negative tendencies + taking less ownership of my well-being + where my thought process is + where my feelings are going.


I've noticed that I am more likely to call myself a piece of shit. If I am disconnected from myself, I am probably also disconnected from my timelines or from the people in my life or from my own, unrealistic or realistic expectations that I am setting myself up for. So, I noticed today I missed a meeting that I had set with one of my assistants, we had set just a 4 hour time block to be able to come together, we both have sort of weirdly, busy Fridays, but we also try to cut time out on them to get work done. So, one of the things that I said to her was, "Oh, I am a piece of shit. I haven't recorded the episode today for the podcast that I wanted to record yet, so I'm going to go do that first." I obviously need to recognize when I am speaking about myself in a way that is detrimental. Did me calling myself a piece of shit ruin my day? No, but is that changing the perspective of myself that I am talking about myself with? Definitely. Instead I could have said that I traveled this weekend + then i turned around + traveled for the next two days after one day at home, I have really struggling with my energy levels because of coming off of my period + my hormone levels not being so balanced out yet, I am going to catch up on a couple of things first, let's see if we have time to come back together later.


Just that shift in the way that I was talking to myself + that I could have been talking about myself show the lack of headspace that I have for being realistic, being true to myself + taking care.


Another thing that I always do when I am feeling really strung out is I will call myself lazy. Or one term that I so lovingly use with myself is that I am being an emotional asshole. Another one I say is that I am a handful or that I know I am being ridiculous, but. These are just some key phrases or words that I notice that I am using with myself whenever I am starting to lose my grip of being in control + being a responsible or an emotionally responsible person for myself. I use the word responsible lightly because I think that we use it + shift its' meaning a lot of times, when I say emotionally responsible, I mean somebody who is waking up day-to-day + choosing to take ownership over how I am feeling, over what I am doing with my time, over where I am allowing my thoughts to go. Whenever I am losing control over my power, that is one of the first things to go. That happens for a variety of reasons. For me, it is usually because I am overwhelmed or I have spread myself too thin, which is all in my own doing, but I think that it happens quickly when we're trying to do it all + lead it all + be there for everyone + do what we want for ourselves + meet all of these other timelines to make others happy + to try to do better for ourselves. I don't know if you're like a zodiac person, but the Aries in me comes out really strong in trying to fit everything in to like this one window in time + the Cancer in me comes out in trying to take care of everyone + myself + it all just like literally spontaneously combusts + shit just goes everywhere. I just have to kind of sit in my mess for a little bit, gather up all my cards, reorganize my life + move back into things.


The language piece is something that I notice. It is a good red flag for me to recognize, okay, I need to stop + regroup, take control back over my life, over my power, over where my focus is at + move on from there. Another point that I really want to focus on during this episode, especially diving into ways to reel ourselves back in, is another red flag of ways to realize that maybe you're not as in control of your emotions + yourself as you once thought you were. That's by recognizing your own perception of how other people are being around you or how other humans are treating you. I am somebody who, growing up, before I had a lot of self-awareness, I was a very needy person + I use that term lightly because I think that "needy" is used as an insult often times whether we're insulting ourselves or we're insulting others, but I did, I became very needy + it became almost necessary for everyone else around me to prove to me that they weren't taking advantage of me or that I wasn't bothering them or that they actually truly valued me in their lives.


Since doing work on my own PTSD, those types of tendencies make sense to me now, but i've noticed in my adult life kind of "hints" of those tendencies coming back. I can recognize that I am starting to lose control over my own power when I start taking offense to other things that other people are doing + saying. The reason that that's something that I try to focus on is because as I have healed myself over time, I've recognized that usually when someone is doing something, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Are there some vindictive people every now + then? Or some some extremely thoughtful people that are going to be around every now and then? Yes, but most often times when something is done by someone regardless of who is doing it or how it's done, it's done with anyone else but themselves in mind. That's really important for when you're feeling out of control with your own thoughts + emotions because we are so much more likely, at least I am, so much more likely, to take offense to things or to be bothered by things or to be triggered by people when I am less in control + the reason that I think that's important to talk about is because especially when we're spinning out of control, it is so much easier to blame everyone around us + to point fingers + brush off responsibility for those things, but I think that that is a super detrimental thing to do + you're probably going to shit on a lot of your relationships that you value by doing that because you're refusing to take emotional responsibility for yourself. Yeah, I said that earlier, + that's why because I wanted to be able to link it back into this conversation now.


When things are hard for us, we want to be able to blame everyone else but ourselves because to blame ourselves is to recognize that we may have had the ability to fix something or to avoid further pain, but I think that the reality is, we can only perceive things for ourselves + for other people as deeply as we can handle them at that moment. So, if you catch yourself being offended by somebody not thinking of you, or by someone saying something in a way that you felt like was inconsiderate or that was thoughtless, I challenge you to consider maybe where your wounds are that day + recognize the ways that you're hurting because usually when we are hurting, we are more likely to over analyze the ways that other people are acting + that can cause us to A. deflect our own issues, but B. point fingers are people that aren't necessary + aren't even necessarily the cause to our problems.


You're much better off being able to reflect on your own struggles + your own areas of growth with people who love you + with your therapist + with your journal than you are pointing fingers at other people + trying to tell them ways that they're wrong because as I am sure you know with yourself, criticisms come a lot easier when they can be broken down with someone that you love + not when they're being thrown at you by somebody that you love or that you don't love because being criticized, especially when it turns into hurt people hurting people. If you've ever heard that line. So, try to lean on + reflect on your own pain points with other people who are detached from the problem without being gossipy, without being catty so that you can try to get a true perception of how the people around you are being, or whether or not they are being hurtful or whether or not you''re just a bit more sensitive or easily wounded right now than on a normal day.


So, I want to end it with ways to pull yourself back in + this is also going to share with our How Can I Help segment because as far as taking back your own power, I really wanted our How Can I Help segment to be about how you can help yourself. First up, would be, in my humble opinion, to tell your closest support system that you are starting up with your avoided tendencies. So, if you're married or you have a really close sibling or you're close with your parents, or you already have a therapist, those would be people that I would suggest, at least from my experience whenever I am struggling + I know that I need to check back in. I need to give myself some accountability.


When I am in pure avoidance mode, I do not have accountability unless somebody who I love can also check in with me + call me out on my shit. So, first things first, when I am avoiding stretching or I am avoiding taking a bath or I am avoiding journaling, I usually will tell my husband right away because I know that as soon as I can tell somebody else that I am starting to avoid or push things away, that then I have a second set of eyes from somebody that loves + values me paying attention to what it is that I am doing + those tendencies that are acting up with me.


My next step would be to schedule a therapy appointment. Usually when you are starting to feel like you're losing control or you're losing connection with yourself, I always recommend talking to someone + I'm not a therapist, I can only speak as someone who has been in + out of therapy + deals with their own struggles, but if you're finding yourself really losing connection with yourself or losing connection with others or distancing yourself from others so that you don't have to deal with them, scheduling an appointment with a therapist, I could not recommend anything more. Having somebody to bounce your thoughts off of who is a professional + who is trained to do just that, literally could not be beaten by anything.


I also recommend, this is something you can do on your own time, at home, from the space of your own bedroom, or your living room, whatever, set the set amount of time to stretch or meditate. I would just say, give yourself time for floor work. Floor work is a term that a lot of yogi's use, but it is a really grounding exercise for you, whether you are sitting there with your legs out in front of you stretching or you are in a butterfly, or you're sitting criss-crossed + your eyes are closed + you're listening to music, or you're just listening to the sound of your breath. Being able to figure out how to ground yourself in some meditation or some stretching, is really going to help draw yourself back into yourself, so just for me feeling my butt bones on the ground + thinking about my posture + really focusing on how I am breathing, that is sometimes all it takes to really feel reconnected with myself, which then allows me to have that awareness, like okay, this is what I need, this is what I don't need, yes I have a lot of thoughts, but this is maybe what they're telling me.


I would say that writing it out + even doing that while you're meditating, getting those thoughts out + just saying, this is what I'm thinking, this is what I'm feeling, this is where my head is at, that can be so beneficial for you before you can get into your therapist or while you're trying to work with yourself, just to be able to see, "Oh, here's my thoughts, this is where my head is at." Sometimes you have to read back your writing to be able to get that, I would just say to follow your gut. Sometimes I read back what I write, sometimes I don't. A lot of times I completely black out what I am writing, which also happens sometimes when I am podcasting. I just get going on my feelings + I just completely black out, I couldn't tell you what I said. So, sometimes writing it out is really beneficial because you can totally go back + look at the tendencies + the routines + the things that keep reoccurring in your voice or in your thought processes, it can really help you navigate that unknown, harder-to-nail-down part of you.


Really, my last piece of advice is to get real with yourself. Is your avoidance making you feel better? Or is it making you feel worse? I would say that if there was one thing that I could tell you to do, it is to think of all the different items that make you feel safe, that make you feel at peace, that make you feel at home. Put them all into a bag, you can call it your little go-bag, + then just have that available when you need to just completely reboot. I think that we've gotten so used to avoiding our issues + avoiding talking about our issues that we have just avoided feeling them all together + we start to have an emotion + we go like, "Nope! Gotta push that to the side, gotta keep movin', gotta keep truckin', I'm super busy," but in the end, that never does anything to help us heal, to help us reflect, to help us grow + feel like stronger, more beautiful people.


Regaining your power + just really taking control over what it is that you're going to choose to focus on, I hope this episode is one that you can come back to often when you're feeling a lack of motivation, when you feel like the world is starting to happen around you + to you, instead of you living life to its' fullest + making the most out of its' experiences. I hope that you'll share this episode with people in your life who maybe really are losing control or losing touch with themselves or who maybe know need to do some things to dig down with themselves deeper to really ground themselves in this moment + get the most out of their own intuition + their own drive + their own passions because I think that when life gets goin', it is really easy to just start going with the flow + just taking what we're handed, rather than digging in + really finding what it is that you want to take in + take with us. Without any further rambling, I will let you go, I want you to have an absolutely beautiful week. If you love this episode or any of the others before it, make sure you leave a review from Apple Podcasts or post it to your social media pages, make sure. you tag us. You can find me at Instagram @Souls Undressed Podcast or on Facebook @ Souls Undressed Podcast Community. I absolutely love reflecting on these episodes with you + talking through your different perspectives on each topic + sharing that with other people so that they can grow + reflect through your perspectives as well.


Thank you so much for being here. I am sending you all my love + we will talk next Sunday!


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